How To Submit When My Husband Sucks At Leading

Key Takeaways

➤ Submission is Trust in God, Not Approval of Man. Biblical submission isn’t about your husband’s performance—it’s about your posture before God. Even when your husband fails to lead well, your obedience to God remains secure and sacred. You’re not submitting to failure; you’re submitting through it, trusting God to see, honor, and redeem your faithfulness.

➤ Your Tone Shapes the Atmosphere. Criticism might feel justified, but encouragement builds. A single word of genuine praise can do more to call your husband higher than a hundred critiques. Prayer, gentleness, and respect are not passive—they’re powerful spiritual tools that shape hearts and homes.

➤ You’re Not Called to Be His Mother—You’re Called to Be His Helper. Taking initiative isn’t wrong, but doing it with humility matters. When you start parenting instead of partnering, the design breaks down. Respect doesn’t ignore problems—it stewards influence with wisdom, grace, and trust in God’s timing.

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I love watching Christian women succeed—not in the world’s loud, spotlighted way, but in the sacred, unseen kind of victory: the small faithfulness, the whispered obedience, the choosing of joy in the middle of a weary day. I love encouraging them, cheering them on, and reminding them they are not forgotten or behind. I love God’s daughters.

That love, I’m convinced, was placed there by God Himself (Psalm 37:4). It’s why I do what I do. It’s why I listen. And when I listen long enough, I start to hear the same refrains, like well-worn trails in the forest:

• “Why do I feel like I’m constantly fighting to surrender control?”

• “There just isn’t enough time in the day.”

• “I want to honor God… but I don’t know how to submit when my husband won’t lead.”

And that last one, oh, how tender it is. Not bitter. Not rebellious. Just tired.

Many of you are trying. You’re not trying to take over—you’re trying to survive. You want to support your husband, but if we’re being honest, it feels like dragging the spiritual life of your family uphill… barefoot… in the rain… while also carrying snacks.

And then you ask yourself:
“Should I say something?”
“Am I dishonoring him if I do?”
“Am I dishonoring God if I don’t?”

Let me say this plainly and gently: This is not a manifesto against men; there will be no man-bashing. It’s not about shame or superiority. We don’t do that here.

Let me say this plainly and gently: This is not a manifesto against men; there will be no man-bashing. It’s not about shame or superiority. We don’t do that here. This is about surrender; yours. It’s about trusting God to be sovereign, not just over the big picture, but also over your ordinary Tuesday morning marriage.

Because here’s the truth: even when your husband isn’t playing his part well, you are still called to play yours because your faithfulness is never wasted.

This isn’t a guilt trip. It’s a grounding. It’s a reminder that submission isn’t silence. It’s not apathy. And it’s not pretending. It’s a sacred yielding to God’s design, even when it feels painfully lopsided.

I pray this brings peace, not the kind the world offers, but the kind that settles deep into the soul.
And as iron sharpens iron, may this be the kind of sharpening that doesn’t leave you nicked, but strengthened.

Define Biblical Submission (and What It’s Not)

If you’re familiar with my work, you know I love defining terms. Words shape thoughts—and in matters as sensitive and sacred as marriage, we need clarity, not clichés.

So let’s begin here: Biblical submission is not blind obedience. It’s not silence. It is never enabling sin. That’s not submission—that’s slavery. And our Lord does not deal in chains.

Submission, rightly understood, is not about becoming smaller—it’s about entrusting yourself to a bigger plan. It’s a posture of the heart that chooses to trust God’s design even when your husband falters in his. It is not the reward for your husband's perfection—it is the fruit of your faith in God.

In Ephesians 5:22–24, Paul writes:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church… As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

Now, don’t skip too fast over those little words: as to the Lord. This doesn’t mean “treat your husband like he’s Jesus.” It means your submission is an act of obedience to Christ, not a performance for your husband. Your husband is not the measuring stick of your submission—Jesus is.

And before anyone starts building walls with verse 22, let’s not forget verse 21:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Mutual submission is the soil where godly marriage grows. But when that mutuality is lacking—when your husband won’t lead, won’t pursue, won’t press into God—you’re still called to trust the One who is always faithful.

Friend, submission isn’t about staying quiet—it’s about staying close to Christ. It’s about trusting God’s way more than demanding your husband’s improvement. And the beauty? God sees that. Even when it feels unseen in your home, it is not unseen in heaven.

When Leadership Is Lacking: What Submission Looks Like Practically

So now we know what submission is… but what does that actually look like?

It’s easy to nod along when your husband is reading his Bible, praying with the kids, and surprising you with flowers and good conversation. But what about when he’s… well… being a turd?

(Yes, I said it. You were thinking it. I just opted for the Sunday school version—you're welcome.)

Here’s the thing: Biblical submission isn’t tested in ease; it’s revealed in difficulty. It’s not about how well you perform when things are going right, but how faithfully you respond when they’re not.

So let’s start, not with your husband, but with God.

Are you really interceding for his heart before the throne of God… or are you mumbling recycled lines that make you feel better but move nothing in the heavens?

1. Prayer Over Pressure

Pray for your husband—not at him. There’s a difference.

Are you really interceding for his heart before the throne of God… or are you mumbling recycled lines that make you feel better but move nothing in the heavens?

Wife, you are his fiercest intercessor. Go to war for him—not with him. Ask God to stir up what is dormant in his spirit. Ask boldly. Ask often. But ask with love, not leverage.

2. Encouragement Over Criticism

Call out what’s right instead of always highlighting what’s missing. Even small steps matter.

Affirmation is not enabling. Encouragement is not pretending everything is fine. It’s watering what you want to grow instead of standing over the dry ground with a shovel and a scowl.

There’s a brilliant little book out now called My Dear Hemlock, written in the spirit of C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters. In it, demons conspire to undermine a woman’s marriage by slowly shifting her focus from gratitude to grumbling.

Here’s a chilling excerpt; remember, this is written from the demon’s perspective:

We must do everything in our power to prevent her finding out a standard fact about the male human: he will usually slouch to meet a woman’s disapproval and grow to meet her praise. Men simply don’t respond to criticism the way women believe they will. It’s the old Aesop’s fable about the sun and the wind in a contest to remove a man’s coat. Our best marriages occur when a woman is constantly trying the wind’s method, blowing as cold and hard as she can. Husbands universally respond by pulling their coats tighter around them. (In the fable, the sun shines warmly on the man’s face so that he removes the coat voluntarily. It is a dangerous secret, really.)

One word of praise would do much more to “improve” him than a hundred critical words ever could. But it would also change her. Giving thanks produces a habit of thankfulness. Gratitude begets more pernicious gratitude.

This dangerous principle is the same principle that—writ large—could really lose a crucial piece of ground for you. So take care that you start with disapproval of the husband and expand it. You want her to look at the Enemy and say exactly the same thing that she says to hubby: Until You please me, I will not praise you. Until You make my life easier, I will not give thanks. Until You give me joy, I will not be so dishonest as to sing a psalm.

In this way, you will produce a gorgeous flush of silent disapproval that takes in her entire world. All of the Enemy’s works will evaporate in the stunning silence of an ungrateful disposition, a thanks unspoken. Whether it be a sunny day, a hot shower, a pancake, a new baby, or a husband, the Enemy’s “gifts” will be met with the pursed lips of one who is waiting to see an unbroken vista of perfection—a life that meets entirely with her approval—before she plucks up the one blessing and names it in gratitude.[1]

Oof. That hits close.

The enemy doesn’t need you to scream. He just wants you to simmer, quietly convinced that your husband’s weaknesses give you permission to dismiss your calling.

But sister, your posture matters. Your tone is power. Your words shape the atmosphere of your home far more than you may realize. And in God’s economy, honor is never wasted; even if your husband doesn’t notice, He does.

No man responds well to shame wrapped in a Bible verse. In fact, it often backfires, breeding resentment and a quiet rebellion in his spirit.

3. Initiative with Humility

If your husband won’t initiate prayer or spiritual conversations, you can… just don’t weaponize it. There’s a vast difference between inviting someone into sacred space and dragging them by the ear. No man responds well to shame wrapped in a Bible verse. In fact, it often backfires, breeding resentment and a quiet rebellion in his spirit. But love? Real love? That makes room. It softens. It woos. It waters dry ground. And you may just watch him start to bloom, not because you pushed, but because you trusted God to do the growing.

4. Finally, Stay in Your Lane

Don’t parent him. You can’t expect your husband to rise as a husband when you constantly treat him like a son. Respect isn’t a reward for performance; it’s an act of obedience to Christ (Ephesians 5:33). That doesn’t mean you silence your voice; it means you steward it with wisdom. Speak like one who remembers she is a daughter of the King, not a manager of someone else's sanctification.

Another excerpt from My Dear Hemlock says it perfectly—and remember, this is written from the perspective of a demon advising another demon on how to dismantle a marriage:

You asked which is better: to encourage your woman to start a fight with the husband about what he did, or to encourage her to ignore what he did and punish him with silence. The answer is—yes. Honestly, it’s little matter to me which she does, as long as her heart is cooled and hardened toward her husband and the Enemy. So choose the one that comes most naturally to her, and let her flesh do the work.

You see? This way, you get her to pile up months of crusted-over “small” sins. She and her husband will go picking their way around the piles, stepping on old trash left from a silent supper three months ago, and they’ll stop noticing it’s even there. As long as they never begin the habit of confession, they’ll build this delightful tartar of the soul for years. This is how hatred begins, Hemlock. Don’t underestimate it.[2]

Trust Me. Love him. Pray more than you prompt. Rouse more than you correct. And remember: I’m working on him, too.

Chilling, isn’t it? Because it’s all too real.

Friend, the enemy doesn’t always roar; sometimes, he just nudges. He whispers, “Just help him a little more,” until we’re no longer helping, we’re hindering, managing, mothering, manipulating. And all the while, the Spirit gently calls us back: Trust Me. Love him. Pray more than you prompt. Encourage more than you correct. And remember: I’m working on him, too.

TL/DR

Biblical submission isn’t about blind obedience or enabling sin—it’s a courageous act of trusting God’s design, even when your husband isn’t leading well. You can honor God without pretending everything is fine. Pray more than you pressure. Encourage more than you criticize. Don’t parent—partner. Your faithfulness isn’t wasted, and your obedience matters—even if no one sees but heaven.

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Define Your Terms

(Some might call this a glossary)

• TL/DR - Too Long/Didn’t Read

• Biblical Submission - A voluntary posture of the heart that entrusts oneself to God’s design for marriage. It is not blind obedience or enabling sin, but a form of obedience to God, even when a spouse falters.

• Slavery (in context of submission) - Not referring to historical chattel slavery, but a metaphor for unhealthy, oppressive dynamics in marriage where a woman feels voiceless or bound to tolerate sin. This is not biblical submission.

• Sovereignty (of God) - God’s complete authority and rule over all creation, including your life and marriage. Trusting His sovereignty means believing He is in control, even when circumstances are painful or unclear.

• Mutual Submission - A biblical concept from Ephesians 5:21, where both spouses are called to honor, serve, and yield to one another out of reverence for Christ, not just one party submitting to the other.

• Tone vs. Effort - The idea that honoring your husband (or God) isn’t just about speaking kindly, but also showing intentionality, faithfulness, and love in how you live, pray, and interact.

• Intercede / Intercessor - To pray on someone else's behalf. In the article, a wife is described as her husband’s fiercest intercessor, which is one who brings his needs before God in prayer.

• Initiative with Humility - Taking spiritual steps (like praying or reading the Bible with kids) without shaming or nagging your husband for not doing it first. Acting in love, not superiority.

• Respect (Biblical) - A command given in Ephesians 5:33 for wives to honor their husbands, not contingent on whether he "deserves" it, but because it reflects obedience to God and nurtures unity in marriage.

• Sanctification - The ongoing process of being made holy by the work of the Holy Spirit. It involves growth, maturity, and obedience, and it’s not your job to sanctify your spouse.

• My Dear Hemlock - A fictional book written in the spirit of C.S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters, where demons plot the downfall of a woman’s faith and marriage. Quoted to highlight the subtle ways bitterness and criticism damage relationships.

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[1] My Dear Hemlock, Tilly Dillehay

[2] Ibid.

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