How To Submit When My Husband Sucks At Leading
When He Won’t Lead: How to Submit Without Losing Your Soul
I love watching Christian women succeed. Not in the world’s loud, spotlighted way, but in the sacred, unseen kind of victory: the small faithfulness, the whispered obedience, the choosing of joy in the middle of a weary day. I love encouraging them, cheering them on, and reminding them they are not forgotten or behind. I love God’s daughters.
That love, I’m convinced, was placed there by God Himself (Psalm 37:4). It’s why I do what I do. It’s why I listen. And when I listen long enough, I start to hear the same refrains, like well-worn trails in the forest:
“Why do I feel like I’m constantly fighting to surrender control?”
“There just isn’t enough time in the day.”
“I want to honor God… but I don’t know how to submit when my husband won’t lead.”
And that last one, oh, how tender it is. Not bitter. Not rebellious. Just tired.
Many of you are trying. You’re not trying to take over, you’re trying to survive. You want to support your husband, but if we’re being honest, it feels like dragging the spiritual life of your family uphill… barefoot… in the rain… while also carrying snacks.
And then you ask yourself:
“Should I say something?”
“Am I dishonoring him if I do?”
“Am I dishonoring God if I don’t?”
Let me say this plainly and gently: This is not a manifesto against men; there will be no man-bashing. It’s not about shame or superiority. We don’t do that here.
Let me say this plainly and gently: This is not a manifesto against men; there will be no man-bashing. It’s not about shame or superiority. We don’t do that here. This is about surrender; yours. It’s about trusting God to be sovereign, not just over the big picture, but also over your ordinary Tuesday morning marriage.
Because even when your husband isn’t playing his part well, you are still called to play yours. And your faithfulness is never wasted.
This isn’t a guilt trip. It’s a grounding. A reminder that submission isn’t silence or apathy or pretending. It’s a sacred yielding to God’s design, even when it feels painfully lopsided.
I pray this brings peace, not the kind the world offers, but the kind that settles deep into the soul. And as iron sharpens iron, may this be the kind of sharpening that strengthens, not shames.
Key Takeaways
➤ Submission is Trust in God, Not Approval of Man.
➤ Your Tone Shapes the Atmosphere.
➤ You’re Not Called to Be His Mother, You’re Called to Be His Helper.
What Biblical Submission Is
(and What It’s Not)
If you know me, you know I love defining terms. Words shape thoughts, and in matters as sensitive and sacred as marriage, we need clarity, not clichés.
So here’s what submission isn’t:
It’s not blind obedience. It’s not silence. It is never enabling sin. That’s not submission, that’s slavery. And our Lord does not deal in chains.
Biblical submission is not about becoming smaller. It’s about entrusting yourself to a bigger plan. It’s a posture of the heart that chooses to trust God’s design, even when your husband falters in his. It’s not the reward for your husband's perfection; it’s the fruit of your faith in God.
In Ephesians 5:22–24, Paul writes:
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church… As the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Don’t skip too fast over the phrase: as to the Lord. That doesn’t mean “treat your husband like he’s Jesus.” It means your submission is an act of obedience to Christ, not a performance for your husband. He is not the measuring stick. Jesus is.
And before we get stuck in verse 22, let’s back up to verse 21:
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Mutual submission is the soil where godly marriage grows. But when your husband won’t lead, won’t pursue, won’t press into God, you’re still called to trust the One who is always faithful.
Submission isn’t about staying quiet. It’s about staying close to Christ.
What Submission Looks Like When Leadership Is Lacking
It’s easy to submit when your husband is spiritually present and emotionally engaged. But what about when he’s… well… being a turd?
(Yes, I said it. You were thinking it. I just opted for the Sunday school version, you’re welcome.)
Here’s the thing: Biblical submission isn’t tested in ease, it’s revealed in difficulty. It’s not about your performance when things are right, but your faithfulness when they’re not.
So let’s start, not with your husband, but with God.
Are you really interceding for his heart before the throne of God… or are you mumbling recycled lines that make you feel better but move nothing in the heavens?
1. Prayer Over Pressure
Pray for your husband, not at him. There’s a difference.
Are you really interceding for his heart before the throne of God… or are you mumbling recycled lines that make you feel better but move nothing in the heavens?
Wife, you are his fiercest intercessor. Go to war for him, not against him. Ask God to stir up what is dormant in his spirit. Ask boldly. Ask often. But ask with love, not leverage.
2. Encouragement Over Criticism
Call out what’s right instead of always highlighting what’s missing.
Encouragement isn’t pretending everything is fine. It’s watering what you want to grow, instead of standing over dry ground with a shovel and a scowl.
A brilliant little book called My Dear Hemlock (in the spirit of Screwtape Letters) captures this chilling idea from the enemy’s perspective:
“Men simply don’t respond to criticism the way women believe they will… One word of praise would do much more to ‘improve’ him than a hundred critical words ever could. But it would also change her. Gratitude begets more pernicious gratitude…”
No man responds well to shame wrapped in a Bible verse. In fact, it often backfires, breeding resentment and a quiet rebellion in his spirit.
The enemy doesn’t need you to scream. he just wants you to simmer. But sister, your posture matters. Your tone is power. Your words shape your home far more than you realize. And in God’s economy, ∫. Even if your husband doesn’t see it, God does.
3. Initiative with Humility
If he won’t initiate prayer, you can. Just don’t weaponize it.
There’s a difference between inviting someone into sacred space and dragging them by the ear. Shame wrapped in Scripture breeds resentment, not repentance.
But love? Real love? It softens. It woos. It waters dry ground. And you may just see him bloom—not because you pushed, but because you trusted God to do the growing.
4. Finally, Stay in Your Lane
Don’t parent him. You can’t expect your husband to rise as a husband when you constantly treat him like a son. Respect isn’t a reward for performance; it’s an act of obedience to Christ (Ephesians 5:33). That doesn’t mean you silence your voice; it means you steward it with wisdom. Speak like one who remembers she is a daughter of the King, not a manager of someone else's sanctification.
Another excerpt from My Dear Hemlock says it perfectly—and remember, this is written from the perspective of a demon advising another demon on how to dismantle a marriage:
You asked which is better: to encourage your woman to start a fight with the husband about what he did, or to encourage her to ignore what he did and punish him with silence. The answer is—yes. Honestly, it’s little matter to me which she does, as long as her heart is cooled and hardened toward her husband and the Enemy. So choose the one that comes most naturally to her, and let her flesh do the work.
You see? This way, you get her to pile up months of crusted-over “small” sins. She and her husband will go picking their way around the piles, stepping on old trash left from a silent supper three months ago, and they’ll stop noticing it’s even there. As long as they never begin the habit of confession, they’ll build this delightful tartar of the soul for years. This is how hatred begins, Hemlock. Don’t underestimate it.[2]
Chilling, isn’t it? Because it’s all too real.
The Bottom Line
Friend, the enemy doesn’t always roar; sometimes, he just nudges. He whispers, “Just help him a little more,” until we’re no longer helping, we’re hindering, managing, mothering, manipulating. And all the while, the Spirit gently calls us back: Trust Me. Love him. Pray more than you prompt. Encourage more than you correct. And remember: I’m working on him, too.
Pause today and pray for your husband by name. Then, ask God to steady your heart as you walk in faithfulness, even when it’s hard.
TL/DR
Biblical submission isn’t about blind obedience or enabling sin—it’s a courageous act of trusting God’s design, even when your husband isn’t leading well. You can honor God without pretending everything is fine. Pray more than you pressure. Encourage more than you criticize. Don’t parent—partner. Your faithfulness isn’t wasted, and your obedience matters—even if no one sees but heaven.
Define Your Terms
(Some might call this a glossary)
TL/DR - Too Long/Didn’t Read
Biblical Submission - A voluntary posture of the heart that entrusts oneself to God’s design for marriage. It is not blind obedience or enabling sin, but a form of obedience to God, even when a spouse falters.
Slavery (in context of submission) - Not referring to historical chattel slavery, but a metaphor for unhealthy, oppressive dynamics in marriage where a woman feels voiceless or bound to tolerate sin. This is not biblical submission.
Sovereignty (of God) - God’s complete authority and rule over all creation, including your life and marriage. Trusting His sovereignty means believing He is in control, even when circumstances are painful or unclear.
Mutual Submission - A biblical concept from Ephesians 5:21, where both spouses are called to honor, serve, and yield to one another out of reverence for Christ, not just one party submitting to the other.
Tone vs. Effort - The idea that honoring your husband (or God) isn’t just about speaking kindly, but also showing intentionality, faithfulness, and love in how you live, pray, and interact.
Intercede / Intercessor - To pray on someone else's behalf. In the article, a wife is described as her husband’s fiercest intercessor, which is one who brings his needs before God in prayer.
Initiative with Humility - Taking spiritual steps (like praying or reading the Bible with kids) without shaming or nagging your husband for not doing it first. Acting in love, not superiority.
Respect (Biblical) - A command given in Ephesians 5:33 for wives to honor their husbands, not contingent on whether he "deserves" it, but because it reflects obedience to God and nurtures unity in marriage.
Sanctification - The ongoing process of being made holy by the work of the Holy Spirit. It involves growth, maturity, and obedience, and it’s not your job to sanctify your spouse.
My Dear Hemlock - A fictional book written in the spirit of C.S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters, where demons plot the downfall of a woman’s faith and marriage. Quoted to highlight the subtle ways bitterness and criticism damage relationships.
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