Love, Actually: The Truth About Valentine’s Day and the Married Christian
Key Takeaways
(Short on time? Start here.)
➤ If you never say what you need, you aren’t protecting romance. You’re protecting resentment. Covenant love uses words. Clarity doesn’t kill intimacy. It creates it.
➤ Most men genuinely want to love well. Different wiring isn’t lack of love. Silent expectations turn good men into confused ones. Say it out loud and give him the chance to show up.
➤ Valentine’s Day doesn’t determine your worth, and your husband doesn’t have to perform to validate you. Jesus has already made His love unmistakably clear. From that security, you’re free to love with honesty instead of fear.
Valentine’s Day can be such a strange day. For some women, it’s roses. For some, it’s grief. For some, it’s complicated. But for the married woman, it’s often something else entirely. It quietly becomes a test no one agreed to take. This week in our Love, Actually series, we’re talking about expectations for Valentine’s Day and what love really looks like. Today, we step inside marriage and ask a simple question: what if the pinnacle of love isn’t how he performs on February 14th?
Not the movie version with slow-motion hallway kisses and perfectly timed surprises. I mean the real one. The Tuesday-night, dishes-in-the-sink, covenant kind. The kind that smells faintly like coffee and laundry detergent and long obedience. The sort of love that doesn’t photograph well but somehow holds the whole house up. And yet, if we’re honest, this is the very love we compare to the glossy, Instagram-perfect marriages we scroll past while standing in our very normal kitchens.
Picture it. You’re thumbing through your phone and there it is. Flowers delivered “just because.” A handwritten note. A husband who apparently moonlights as a poet. Without meaning to, you start measuring. Not just the bouquet, but your marriage. A small disappointment slips in through the side door and quietly takes a seat at the table.
You think, He should know by now. Not because you told him. Not because you asked. But because somewhere along the way we absorbed the idea that if a man really loves you, he should simply know what your heart wants without being told. So we stay quiet. We hint. We drop breadcrumbs. We speak in riddles and call it romance. We hope he’ll read between the lines like some emotional detective. And when he misses it again, the hurt feels justified, almost holy. We baptize our disappointment and rename it “standards.” But sister, biblical love isn’t telepathy. It’s truth spoken out loud.
But sister, biblical love isn’t telepathy. It’s truth spoken out loud.
Scripture never treats love like a guessing game. God doesn’t hint at His affection and expect us to decode it. He declares it. He speaks. He makes Himself known. Covenant love has always used words. So it makes little sense that we would build our marriages on silent expectations and then feel wounded when our husbands fail a test they didn’t know they were taking.
Healthy love looks far less mystical and far more ordinary. It sounds like two imperfect people standing in the same kitchen saying, “This would bless me,” or “This is what makes me feel loved,” or “Can we plan this together?” It’s not secret scorecards or subtle punishments. It’s clarity. It’s honesty. It’s choosing to speak instead of hoping to be guessed. Because covenant love isn’t mind-reading. It’s communication. It’s choosing faithfulness over fantasy, words over wishes, intention over intuition. And strangely enough, that kind of love lasts far longer than roses ever could.
When Honesty Feels Harder Than Silence
So how do you do this when what you actually feel isn’t clarity or kindness, but bitterness? When you’re tired. When you feel unseen. When it seems like you’re the only one carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. It can start to feel unfair, like you’re doing all the work for him. But that’s not what’s happening.
You’re not mothering him. You’re not lowering your standards. And you’re certainly not excusing thoughtlessness. You’re making a conscious decision not to let the world define love for you. You’re choosing something stronger and steadier than silent resentment. You’re choosing obedience. Scripture calls us to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others more significant than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Not because we are doormats, but because we are disciples. Because Christ loved us first, clearly and sacrificially, not waiting for us to guess what He meant.
So when you speak honestly instead of stewing quietly, you aren’t doing his job for him. You’re giving your marriage a fighting chance. Bitterness builds walls. Words build bridges. And bridges are what covenant love walks across. So the next time he asks, “What’s wrong?” resist the reflex to say, “Nothing,” or “It’s fine,” while your heart quietly closes another door. Try something braver.
“I’d really love flowers this week. It would mean a lot to me.”
“Valentine’s Day makes me feel extra tender. Can we plan something together?”
“I don’t need big. I just want thoughtful.”
Normalize asking. Needing something doesn’t make you needy. It makes you alive. It makes you honest. It makes you a woman brave enough to be known. When you speak your hopes out loud, you aren’t demanding too much. You’re inviting your husband into your heart instead of expecting him to wander through it in the dark. And that kind of openness isn’t weakness. It’s courage. It also helps to remember something simple and deeply human: most men genuinely want to succeed. They want to love you well. They just need clarity. Different wiring isn’t lack of love. Sometimes what feels like indifference is simply confusion.
He’s not ignoring you. He just didn’t get the memo… because it’s still in your head.
Next Steps
● Circle: Low bandwidth, high desire
Text him one thing you’d love this week. Keep it simple.
☐ Square: High hunger, ready for depth
Have a 20-minute “expectations conversation” together. What makes each of you feel loved?
▲ Triangle: New or rebuilding confidence
If you’re newly married, start practicing clear communication now. It’s a muscle.
❥ Heart: Studying or walking with someone else
Plan Valentine’s together this year. Make it collaborative, not a test.
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Why your husband isn’t a mind reader and Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be a test